Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
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Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.