This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
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Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
#dnd #ttrpg
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
Going back in time, y’all need anything?