Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
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massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans