“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
You Might Also Like
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
where the womens at?
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count