I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
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Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.