Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
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I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
My work here is done
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.