When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
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”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
These are too funny not to post 😂
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
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What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*