Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
You Might Also Like
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
This is my bus stop.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
This story is comedy gold 😂
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
Beards are a privilege, not a right
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.