My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
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According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato