I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
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I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Banking tips
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?