You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
You Might Also Like
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol