Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
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Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing