I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
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Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…