Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
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I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
Sign of the day..
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman