Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
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*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug