As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
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Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab