Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
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1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls