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“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
i will avenge u mr van gogh
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am