me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
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I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Whisper out to librarians!
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.