[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
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Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.