my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
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Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Him: Youâre pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
Rich people donât buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
5 years ago my dad texted me âi dreamed up the title of a poem last nightâ and i said âwhat was the titleâ and he said âThoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selvesâ and i have thought of that every day since.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Lifeâs too short to have your shit together.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
This is a fact based meme đđ
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: âWhose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?â
Miner: âMine.â
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but youâve just finished so you say something like: Iâm done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they donât call your bluff
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Youâre not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
itâs not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 oâclock guys