My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
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My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.