Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
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“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
Just a bush.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…