If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
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I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
This made me chuckle cuz mood
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.