Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
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After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no