grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
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Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“