I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
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I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
My dad.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!