My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
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Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤