There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
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There are no pants in heaven.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy