What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
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Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Don’t forget to tip your server
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*