me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
You Might Also Like
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake