“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
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fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
You saw nothing. I am ham.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally