If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
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My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.