Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
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My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret