My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
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You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?