You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
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Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
58.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.