[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
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Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Waiting for the Charmin
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?