No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
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I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
Social Media and Real life
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it