*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
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Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood