HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
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My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
Ken is short for chicken
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)