[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
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Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Fights fire with marshmallows
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.