If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
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Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Aaaa…CHOO!
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.