Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
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My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes