Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
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Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
Breaking news:
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
Money is the root of all wealth
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Imagine having a party on purpose.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.