When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
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I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall