Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
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Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.