Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
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M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect