[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
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[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
my first day as a raccoon
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.