Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
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the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works