17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
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BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off